Parents are all different – we bring our own unique personalities, competencies, likes and dislikes to our role as parents. We also bring the past and the future to our parenting. The way an adult was parented has an impact on the parenting style he or she will use, as will our goals and aspirations for the family.

We often copy the style of parenting which we were brought up with, or we go in the opposite direction, depending on our experience of childhood. As parents, we need to think about what our actions and words do to our relationships with our children, and on their physical and emotional development.

There are three broad categories of parents.

Authoritarian Parents:

• Use rewards, punishment and power over children
• Want obedience and perfect behaviour
• Set lots of limits
• Need order and control
• Give conditional love
• Are judgemental (“good boy”, “bad girl”)
• Force their solution in conflict resolution

The end result of this style of parenting can be a disconnected relationship that is built on fear and resentment. The child is not very co-operative, lacks self discipline and self responsibility and may become defiant, aggressive or withdrawn. This can lead to troubled times ahead for teenagers and their parents.

Authoritative Parents:

• Communicate openly about feeling and needs
• Are non punitive and see problems as opportunities for growth
• Foster a “you can do it” attitude in their children
• Serve as positive models of behaviour
• Look for the message behind the behaviour
• Give their time, attention and love unconditionally
• Have structure in their family life
• Allow choices within limits

These parents guide their children democratically, are kind but firm, and behave in a manner which is true to their own feelings. They are rewarded with mutually respectful, trusting and loving relationships. Their children are likely to be co-operative, content, responsible, secure, socially competent, confident, and self-disciplined.

“An effective parent lets himself be a person – a real person. Children deeply appreciate this quality of realness and humanness in their parents” Dr. Thomas Gordon

Permissive Parents:

These parents behave in one of two ways.

With Indifference, where parents

• Avoid the parenting role (do not teach or guide)
• Do not show interest in child’s needs, emotions or development
• Have few, if any, rules or guidelines
• Give in easily to avoid conflict
• Avoid making decisions

The result here is a parent–child relationship that is not close or connected. The child runs the show, but does not fare well socially, emotionally, or developmentally. They are often selfish, unmanageable, uncooperative and inconsiderate.

With Indulgence, where parents

• Have few restrictions, rules or expectations
• Value non-conformity and freedom
• Demonstrate real love openly
• Want to be their child’s best friend, rather than give guidance
• Allow the child to make decisions at an inappropriate age
• Are over protective
• Have a lack of structure in the household

The parent child relationship is close and affectionate. But the child may flounder because of low competencies, low self-discipline, and low sense of self-value. He or she will be confused and feel insecure as the expectations of parent and child are not clear. There is little sense of responsibility and no challenge to do his/her best.

Many parents oscillate between parenting styles, depending on the situation, the company they are in, or how they are feeling at the time. As a result of this confusion or lack of confidence, their children can also be confused or even disturbed.

“Research shows that children need an environment in which they have ample opportunity to learn and grow from successes and mistakes. Learning to face adversity, to take responsibility and to make choices are important tasks of childhood.” The Power of Loving Discipline, by Karen Miles

Janet Powell, The Parenting Coach, of Mentor Maestro can help you find the answers within yourself to your parenting challenges. You will learn how a simple process can have you achieving your goals in your family more often, more calmly, with our unique programmes. For more Helpful Hints, visit www.mentormaestro.com, sign up for the free e-newsletter, contact janet@mentormaestro.com for details of the next programme, or call Janet on 9889-3991. Find out how your parenting can be easier and more fun! Individual parent coaching now available in person or over the ‘phone.