Listening is one of the most loving acts you can do for your child. It confirms that the child is important in your family and in the world. The reward is that your child will keep talking to you, which will be so important in adolescence. The support of a loving parent helps the child make sense of the world. Everyone – parents and children - like to feel that they are listened to and understood. This is vital if they are to have their deep personal needs met, and form harmonious relationships within a family.
But there are different ways of listening to your child.
Passive Listening
Passive listening is saying or doing nothing at all, or making very little comment. It shows acceptance of the child and his/her feelings by being present and interested. Try Passive Listening when you want your child to tell you more. For example, an “Oh, really!” or “And?” will encourage further revelation.
Your silence can be very powerful if your child just wants to unload thoughts and feelings. Make sure you have good eye-contact and open body-language. If possible, be on the same physical level as the child, don't cross your arms, and smile if appropriate. Passive listening allows the child to work through the feelings and come to a conclusion. The ability to problem-solve independently will be developed in the child.
Active Listening is a wonderful skill to use when you think your child is worried or having trouble with something or someone. So when your child gives off signals that he/she wants to talk to you about a concern or problem, stop what you are doing and give your full attention to this opportunity for loving and helpful communication. Let your child say what’s on her mind in her own words, in her own time. Say back to your child what you think she is trying to express. If you’re wrong, she’ll quickly let you know. Try to get to the feeling the child is expressing. Her body language will be a clue here. Use the language of acceptance – don’t include judgmental words.
Resist the urge to jump in with your solution if the child has a problem. Children often find their own solutions when an attentive parent acts as a sounding-board. Sometimes all the child needs is to be heard, to get it off her chest. The child will be more receptive to your helpful suggestions if you first ask if she wants your help. If there is a problem and your child is willing to enlist your help to solve it, make a time to brainstorm some solutions together, if you can’t do it on the spot.
To learn more about effective parenting, communication skills, the language of acceptance and problem-solving, contact Janet Powell
Parenting Mentor and Coach
Mentor Maestro
Ph. 03 9889-3991
Mob. 0411-091-419
E-mail janet@mentormaestro.com
Parents are all different – we bring our own unique personalities, competencies, likes and dislikes to our role as parents. We also bring the past and the future to our parenting. The way an adult was parented has an impact on the parenting style he or she will use, as will our goals and aspirations for the family.
We often copy the style of parenting which we were brought up with, or we go in the opposite direction, depending on our experience of childhood. As parents, we need to think about what our actions and words do to our relationships with our children, and on their physical and emotional development.
There are three broad categories of parents.
Authoritarian Parents:
Authoritative Parents:
“An effective parent lets himself be a person – a real person. Children deeply appreciate this quality of realness and humanness in their parents” Dr. Thomas Gordon
Permissive Parents:
These parents behave in one of two ways.
With Indifference, where parents
With Indulgence, where parents
The parent child relationship is close and affectionate. But the child may flounder because of low competencies, low self-discipline, and low sense of self-value. He or she will be confused and feel insecure as the expectations of parent and child are not clear. There is little sense of responsibility and no challenge to do his/her best.
Many parents oscillate between parenting styles, depending on the situation, the company they are in, or how they are feeling at the time. As a result of this confusion or lack of confidence, their children can also be confused or even disturbed.
“Research shows that children need an environment in which they have ample opportunity to learn and grow from successes and mistakes. Learning to face adversity, to take responsibility and to make choices are important tasks of childhood.” The Power of Loving Discipline, by Karen Miles
To learn more about your approach to parenting,contact Janet Powell
Parenting Mentor and Coach
Mentor Maestro
Ph. 03 9889-3991
Mob. 0411-091-419
E-mail janet@mentormaestro.com “Bringing pleasure and pride to parenting; making it easier and more fun”
9 Quick and Easy ways to take some pressure off yourself as a Parent
We all know that there are times when you feel stressed because of the many demands of being a parent. So give yourself permission to take some pressure off by trying these simple strategies:
• Recognise the difference between the things you can change and those you can’t change. Don’t waste time and energy worrying about things you can’t change and concentrate on what you have some control over.
• Look at concerns or problems or issues objectively. What is the worst that could happen if you allow it or overlook it? In the “big picture” is it worth all the stress it is creating? Maybe it’s not a problem at all.
• Remember that children are not “bad” – it’s just that sometimes their behaviour is not what you would like. Congratulate yourself and your child at times when their behaviour is what you like.
• All behaviour has meaning. Don’t just look at what the child is doing/not doing now that you’re not happy with. Think about what has led up to this situation, consider your own actions and ask the child some questions. How is the child feeling? Has something happened to cause this behaviour? What does the child need? You may find that there is a pattern. In any case, it is usually easier to deal with problematic behaviour if you know what is behind it.
• Before you react to a situation, take a few seconds to calm yourself and think about the words you will use or the actions you will take. Consider the effect on the other person of what you are going to say and how you will say it. It’s amazing how a potentially explosive situation can be diffused by 10-20 seconds of silence!
• Simplify your daily activities. Prioritise tasks, keeping the children’s needs and your needs in mind. Does it really matter if the children’s clothes don’t get ironed? Do you really need to go out to the shops today? What is the most important thing for you to get done today?
• If there is a particular type of behaviour you would like to see in your children, for example, “good manners”, then instead of continually reminding them about saying “Please” and “Thank-you”, simply be their role-model and say it yourself every time. Children copy what they hear and what they see.
• Make family social activities less stressful by keeping them child-friendly and appropriate to the children’s ages. A three-year-old is unlikely to be able to sit still in a café, theatre or restaurant for two hours. A trip to the park or children’s library might be easier to manage.
• Children are not “mini-adults”. They don’t have the same material expectations and needs as adults, and they are not capable of making decisions about everything. So remember to treat your children as children and keep it simple. They do want and need your love and guidance above all else.
Children’s Play - What's the Big Deal?
Albert Einstein is credited with saying "Play is the highest form of research."
Article 31 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child states that “All children have the right to play and rest".
So play must be really important. But why?
Play is one of the most important needs your child has. Children need time and space to play - to build, to imagine, to wonder, to create, to marvel at nature, to enjoy company or be alone.
As parents, it is up to us to make sure that our children have the freedom to play.
What does play do for children?
Allowing time for unstructured, uninterrupted play gives children the opportunity to:
• Relax, have fun and be stress-free
• Develop healthy bodies and minds
• Think creatively and be creative with their hands
• Satisfy their natural curiosity
• Imagine all manner of wondrous things
• Improvise and make believe
• Experience roles other than their own
• Make sense of their world
• Explore and develop physical skills
• Try out new skills
• Learn how to occupy themselves
• Initiate their own activities
• Have control and make their own rules
• Be happy in their own company
• Understand that play does not mean spending money
• Interact with other people and the environment
• Make friends and see another’s point of view
• Build relationships
• Develop their verbal skills
• Learn to problem-solve independently
• Express and manage their feelings
• Self regulate and self discipline
That’s a lot of learning going on while your child is happily playing!
The social, emotional, physical and verbal skills above are all vital to the complete development of children.
Play can involve all the senses and this is especially important for babies who explore their new world through sight, touch, hearing, taste and feelings. Parents can help babies and children to learn about their family environment and develop skills by sharing play and providing developmentally appropriate items to see, touch, hear and taste. (These don’t have to be expensive toys – there are many everyday things at home which will serve the purpose.) This doesn’t mean that you have to be with your child all the time, stimulating and entertaining. Children and babies also need quiet and alone playtime to set their own pace and develop concentration skills.
Who to play with?
A parent playing and conversing with a child for some time every day sends a message to the child that
-play is important
-play is fun
-the parent values time spent with the child
-the relationship with the child is important to the parent
And it gives the parent an opportunity to model desired behaviour. This also applies to grandparents and other significant adults.
Playing with other children is important as they get to pre-school age. Social and language skills will be further developed by this play, whether it is one-on-one or in a group. This doesn’t need to be a complicated or costly undertaking – an hour at the local park or in the backyard, a casual playgroup where Mums enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while their children draw or look at books or build with blocks – these are easy ways to help your children socialise.
Playing alone is also vital to your child’s development as it allows the child to plan and carry out his or her own game in his or her own time. The freedom to make decisions, be whoever the child wants to be, explore, test new skills and use the power of imagination, gives the child an opportunity to grow in many areas of social and emotional learning. Children often talk to themselves while playing and this is something to be encouraged, especially when they are doing something challenging, as it fosters concentration, effort, problem-solving and success.
When we talk about children’s play, often the first thing that comes to mind is toys. But the best kind of play only has one main ingredient – imagination – and costs nothing. A lot of “playtime” for children now involves sitting watching television and playing video games or in classes learning to dance, speak another language, swim, play the violin or defend themselves with karate. None of these activities promote a very important skill, that is, self-regulation or self-control. Planning and playing make-believe games helps children develop the critical skill of self-regulation. Children with good self-regulation are able to control their emotions and behaviour, resist impulses and show self-discipline. Children who are able to manage their feelings and pay attention are better able to learn.
And as Laura Berk, Professor of Psychology at Illinois State University has found through her research with preschool children, “children who are most effective at complex make-believe play take on that responsibility (independently cleaning up after an activity in preschool) with… greater willingness, and even will assist others in doing so without teacher prompting.” An added bonus!
So it seems that in the hurry to give children everything that parents believe they need, including stimulation, protection and lots of material things, we have unfortunately devalued one of the most important aspects of our children’s lives – free play.
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