Discipline – to Punish or not to Punish
                       By Janet Powell, The Parenting Coach, Mentor Maestro
Let’s start with some dictionary definitions:
Discipline is “the establishing of correct order and behaviour with rules, training, etc.”
And “the methods used eg. rules, instruction, punishment.”
While To Punish is “to make a person suffer pain or loss as a penalty for wrongdoing.”
(Heinemann Australian Dictionary)
When we think about our job as parents, the big picture is to help our children to be the best people they can be. This means teaching, guiding, protecting when necessary, role-modelling and of course, loving our children.

There will be times when children behave in an unacceptable manner, and so we need to have strategies to deal with that. But is it appropriate “to make a person (your child) suffer pain as a penalty for wrongdoing”? Many parents rely on the model of parenting that they experienced as a child, in making decisions about raising their children. Unfortunately, research tells us that some of those methods are not in the best interests of our children.
Children learn all behaviour by observing others, from verbal feedback, by the reactions they get to their actions and by how they feel. So if a child is smacked for doing something wrong, then the message given to the child is that it’s OK to hit someone else, to make a person suffer pain. It doesn’t make sense if you then get angry with that child for hitting a playmate. So smacking as a form of discipline is not recommended.
“Plenty of evidence shows that there are other more effective forms of discipline than hitting a child.” – Elizabeth Fraser, Commissioner for Children and Young People and Child Guardian, Queensland. Every Child magazine, Volume 16, Number 2, 2010.

 “Time-out” is another popular discipline technique. Sending a child away after some form of misbehaviour, away from the parent or carer, possibly to another room, teaches the child that separation is the way to deal with problems. “Time-out” does not address the cause of the misbehaviour or the emotional needs of the child. It does not take into account the stage of development of the child, and can make a young child feel isolated and powerless. Young children, especially those under 3 years old, need to be supported and guided by a parent or carer to learn to regulate and deal with their emotions. Separation from the caring adult can add to a child’s feeling of insecurity and distress as it is seen as punishment. So “time-out” is not an appropriate discipline technique for these young children. (Australian Association for Infant Mental Health Inc. - Position Paper 3, July 2009)

Another form of discipline that has taken hold recently, is “The Naughty Chair/Spot/Step”. This is where the child who has done something “wrong” is put or told to go. There are some difficulties with using this strategy to teach acceptable behaviour. Firstly, there is no relationship between the Naughty Spot and the wrongdoing. For the child to respond to discipline and change his/her behaviour, there needs to be a connection between the act and the consequence. Secondly, it becomes the parent’s problem to keep the child on the Naughty Spot. The parent has to be an enforcer, which takes time, stops the parent from doing other things, and can damage the relationship between parent and child. And thirdly, by labelling this place where the child is sent as “naughty”, parents are effectively labelling the child as “naughty”. If children are told often enough that they are naughty, or bad, or stupid, or lazy, then they may well become that label! It’s important to see the difference between calling the child “a naughty girl” and saying that the behaviour at that moment is naughty or unacceptable. The Naughty Chair/Spot/Step is counterproductive.

So what are the best strategies to use when your children are not behaving well?

Natural consequences, or what happens naturally as a result of the things that children do, are often the best learning experiences. For instance, a young child is fighting another child for a particular toy and the toy gets broken. Rather than yelling or smacking, the parent can say “I’m not happy about this toy being broken. Now you won’t have it to play with” while putting the broken toy in the bin. And if the child says “You can buy me another one!” you might say “No, I don’t have enough money to do that”.

If one child has been hurt by another child, go to the hurt child first to sort out any possible injuries and give comfort. Only when this is done would you address the child who did the hurting. Insisting that the “hurter” apologise to the hurt child may be unfruitful, given that young children often don’t have much empathy and “sorry” is just another word they don’t understand. As young children are quite egocentric - it’s all about them – they need time to develop an understanding of how other people feel and the effects of their behaviour on others. Perhaps suggesting the “hurter” give the hurt child a hug might work if they know each other, or simply asking “Are you okay now?”

There are times when you need to separate two children in conflict, or move a child away from where the misdemeanor happened, but this is done for safety reasons, or to prevent a repeat offense, not to punish the child. The responsible adult would be with the child to explain why the behaviour was not acceptable, and to calmly help the child sort through his/her emotions. This is sometimes called “Time In”. If a parent is very angry or upset, it may be necessary for the parent to move away, provided the child is safe.

As the cause of out-of-control behaviour is usually out-of-control emotions, the parent needs to gain an understanding of the child’s feelings and thoughts at these times. Letting the child know that you are aware of the strong feeling, that it’s alright to have that feeling, and then helping the child express the feeling in an appropriate way, will teach the child what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. It will also increase the child’s emotional intelligence, an important skill for recognising emotions. For example, if you’ve just told your little boy that he can’t have an ice-cream because it’s only half an hour until dinner, and he throws a tantrum, you could say “I can see that you’re upset about not getting an ice-cream. I can’t give you one because I want you to eat a healthy dinner.”

Connecting with your child, giving a hug or a hand on the child’s arm, looking into your child’s eyes, are ways of reinforcing that you still love your child, even if you don’t love the behaviour at that moment. You can make your point about not being happy with what the child has done, while still being kind and firm, and offering guidance.

Give your child confidence that you can help him/her to become calm again. It’s important for your child to see that you are in charge of the situation, you are not out-of-control, even if the child is. By this I don’t mean that you are “the boss” controlling your child, but simply that as you are the adult in this relationship, you can help your child to learn acceptable ways of behaving and managing these emotions.

Look for signs that your child might be getting upset, angry, or difficult and act to stop it escalating. By finding out what your child needs, meeting that need, perhaps diverting to some other activity, offering a cuddle, moving the child, suggesting a different approach, you can often prevent an explosive situation. Hunger and tiredness are two common factors in children behaving badly.

When you can, allow your child to have some choice in things that affect him, and be aware of his level of ability. Young children can usually only manage a choice between 2 or 3 things. If you give your child a choice, respect the decision s/he makes.

Get your children involved in family activities, encourage them to help, show them how to do things, so that they will feel competent and capable and valued. Be reasonable about what they are able to do and what is safe to do. If a job is not done to your standard, don’t be harsh on the child, but rather praise the effort that’s been put in.

Think about situations from your child’s perspective and prepare for any difficulties that might arise. If your children often tell you that doing something is boring or “I can’t do it!”, look at how you might change this. For example, taking paper and pencils or crayons to a café where you plan to have lunch with friends. Let the children know what you are planning so there are no unwelcome surprises. If there are going to be changes in the family or home, like a new baby or moving house, prepare your child well for these with lots of reassurance.

Talk in positive terms about the behaviour that you would like to see. That is, don’t say ”I don’t want you to hit your brother at the dinner table.” Or “Please stop running in the house.” Instead, say “ Please sit still while you are eating your dinner.” And “Remember to walk inside the house.” Of course we all like a “Thanks for that” when we’ve done the thing asked, so remember to say this to the children too.

Develop some routines that will calm your child before potentially stressful or difficult times. For instance, a bath before bedtime, a story before seeing the doctor, a walk when there’s a test coming up, singing favourite songs on a long drive.

Look at the physical surroundings to check if there’s something causing repeated unacceptable behaviour. It may be that your child doesn’t clean their teeth because it’s too hard to reach the toothpaste. Put the tube at the child’s level. A boy who is worried about being in a dark bedroom won’t go to sleep happily. Get a nightlight or bedside lamp. A little girl who is frightened of the toilet doesn’t want to get out of nappies. Use a potty.

Remember that you are your child’s first teacher. It’s up to you to guide your child towards the behaviour you value. Children are not born with your perception of what is “right” and what is “wrong”. They simply want to explore their world.

Janet Powell, The Parenting Coach of Mentor Maestro   helps parents create wonderful family relationships and overcome the challenges of parenting today. With Janet’s help, parents gain skills, strategies, self-insights and the confidence to be the best parents they can be. The result is less stress and more fun in the family, while parents achieve their goals. Contact Janet on 03-9889-3991 or janet@mentormaestro.com to find out how.
www.mentormaestro.com.au
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